


I only hate you because you make me hate myself

by setaxis



Category: VIXX
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, OT6, because vixx are family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-04-23 15:37:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4882321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/setaxis/pseuds/setaxis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hongbin doesn't know why he feels insecure but he knows he shouldn't take it out on Wonshik. </p><p>(or his hyungs +Sanghyuk help him get over himself a bit)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. N

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work for the VIXX fandom so I am both excited and scared. I hope you enjoy it. This was mostly inspired by the picture from Wonshik's Ravi day.
> 
> Platonic chabean because they are adorable!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hongbin holds the picture of baby Wonshik that the staff had requested for the so-called "Ravi Day". It's kinda ugly, to be honest. Cute too, but ugly. It looks exactly like Wonshik does now, the exact same expression as when he's confused, or bored. Dumb. Ugly. Hongbin snorts as he hands it back to Wonshik. 

"You were one ugly kid dude." He tries to keep his voice light and free of bitterness.

"I know right?" Wonshik laughs loudly, unashamed. "I look like a forty year old man with a kid's body."

"Hasn't changed." Hyuk calls loudly as he walks into the kitchen. Wonshik flips him off, a careless finger flicked up over his shoulder, but he's still laughing and the sound makes Hongbin's teeth grind. 

_Stupid, dumb, ugly Wonshik._

He stands up abruptly.

"I'm leaving." He says, ignoring the look of shock on Ravi's face. 

"Afraid to show your own pics Beannie? Afraid I'll be cuter than you?" He hears Wonshik call jokingly, tentatively, to his back.

He shakes his head. _As if._

"I've got lectures this afternoon with Jiho-hyung. I'll see you later." He intones.

Just as the door swings closed behind him he hears Wonshik mutter, "bye."

He doesn't reply, doesn't make any sign that he'd heard. Most importantly he doesn't feel the guilt spiralling up into his mouth from his chest, hot and acid like bile.

xxx

Wonshik is not really ugly. He's not cute either though, or pretty. He's handsome in interesting, lopsidedly charming way, not through any design in the arrangement of his features but more to do the way he carries himself, the way he moves. Confidence and talent oozes from every pore and it makes Hongin sick. _Wonshik_ never doubted that this was the path for him. _Wonshik_ never has to worry about his limbs disobeying him halfway through a complicated dance move. _Wonshik_ is never awkward like he doesn't know what to do with his face or his hands or his words.

 

When Wonshik calls him pretty it makes Hongbin want to vomit.

xxx

He has been expecting one of his hyungs to come and speak to him for weeks now, but he'd honestly been anticipating Taekwoon, not Hakyeon. 

He’s lying on his stomach on his bed when he hears shuffling behind him and then a body flump down next to him. He refuses to look, pretending to be engrossed in his video of Park Hyoshin’s latest interview, but instead of waiting until he acknowledges them the person yanks one of the ear phones out of Hongbin’s ear and places it in their own, snuggling up closer than strictly necessary so they can see the screen too. 

“Hakyeon hyung?” Honbin says in surprise. “I was expecting-”

“Taekwoon, I know.” Hakyeon finishes for him. “But you got cute little me instead of that oaf, aren’t you lucky?”

Hongbin shifts awkwardly. Normally he would have made some quip about Hakyeon being his unlucky charm but today it doesn't feel right. 

He expects Hakyeon to cut right to the chase, to ask incessantly why he’s been acting like a complete douchebag to one of his best friends but for once Hakyeon is strangely silent. They watch the whole interview that way, Hakyeon silently huddled up to his side, warmth spreading where their bodies touch. 

After the interview ends Hakyeon plucks the earphones out of both their ears and gently takes the tablet out of Honbin’s hands. He places them to the side out of the way and then manhandles Hongbin until he’s draped completely across Hongbin’s chest, head jammed into the side of Hongbin’s neck. It’s surprisingly comforting, having the leader’s weight pinning him down. It makes him feel strangely grounded. Warm. Loved.

“I thought you’d complain more.” Hakyeon says into Hongbin’s collarbone. “Taekwoon always does.”

“I’m tired.” Hongbin replies.

He feels rather than hears Hakyeon’s answering hum against his collarbone and the guilt rises once again, bitter and acrid at the back of his throat. Hongbin isn’t so self-absorbed that he hasn’t noticed how the bags under their leader’s eyes have gotten harder and harder to hide, how skinny and frail he’s been looking lately. 

“You know I’m always here for you right? I know I’m not as good at listening as Taekwoon but if you want to talk you know you can come to me, don’t you?” Hakyeon gives him a squeeze when he doesn’t answer straight away. “Hongbinnie?”

Honbin squeezes his eyes shut. Hakyeon _isn’t_ as good at listening as Taekwoon, that much is true – it’s not to say he doesn’t listen but more that he also feels the need to give his opinion rather than just letting someone vent – but he has always been better at guilt-tripping than Taekwoon. Maybe that’s why Taekwoon sent him rather than coming himself.

“Yeah.” His voice cracks slightly and he winces. “Yeah, I know hyung.”

“Can I ask you a few questions then?” 

Hongbin stiffens. He should have known Hakyeon wouldn’t just leave it at a pep talk, an open invitation. Hakyeon is the type to dig, the type to pry. He’s just about to move, ready himself to push Hakyeon away when the arms around him give another squeeze.

“You don’t have to answer any of them. I just want to ask them and then I’ll go and I’ll leave you alone, promise!” Hakyeon whines, slipping back into dialect.

He’s shaking Hongbin at this point and Hongbin makes a great show of sighing and leaning his face away from his overbearing leader. It almost feels normal.

Hakyeon seems to take this as agreement ( _nothing ever changes there,_ Hongbin thinks sort of fondly) and finally stops the ridiculous assault on Hongbin’s senses.

“Hongbinnie, are you going out with Jiho-sshi?”

Hongbin chokes on his own saliva. 

“What?!?” He half shrieks half coughs. Immediately Hakyeon is fussing over him, babbling about how he didn’t mean it, _please don’t die Binnie!_

“Why would you ask that?”

Hakyeon shrugs. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately, it’s a natural assumption.”

“If Jiho-hyung was a _girl_ maybe!” Hongbin cries. “Are all your questions this stupid?”

Hakyeon flinches and the acid clawing up Hongbin’s throat is back. But he stays silent, says nothing, pretends not to know why that would hurt Hakyeon and hates himself a little more with each passing second.

“So he’s a good friend then?” Hakyeon’s voice is a little too cheerful. It hurts.

“Yes.” _Nothing more._ Is left hanging in the air.

“He’s pretty cool.” Hakyeon says, running his hands through Hongbin’s hair. They’ve migrated into a position where Honbin’s head is resting on Hakyeon’s chest and it’s surprisingly comfortable, despite Hakyeon being slightly shorter and Hongbin being entirely composed of angles.

“Who’s your best friend?” Hakyeon asks almost absentmindedly after a few minutes of silence.

“Sanghyuk.” Hongbin replies. It’s a game he and Hakyeon play sometimes. Hakyeon asks any question that comes into his head and Hongbin has to answer with one of their band members. Once it had been ‘most likely to be a mafia member’ to which the answer had been Sanghyuk – he would be the boss, no question in Hongbin’s mind.

“Who do you think’s most handsome?”

“Taekwoon-hyung.” Hongbin says.

“He is rather handsome.” Hakyeon agrees. Then his tone turns wicked, “what about best kisser then?”

And before he can stop the words coming ‘Wonshik’ spills out from his lips. He’s mortified. He doesn’t know why he said that. He expects Hakyeon to be all over it like sharks over a bloody wound but Hakyeon simply hums thoughtfully and says, “Are you mad it was me instead of Taekwoon?”

Breathing a sigh of relief that Hakyeon has dropped the subject, he shakes his head, sure that Hakyeon can feel it. “I’m not.” 

“Would you have preferred him?” Hakyeon is picking at the hem of Hongbin’s ratty t-shirt. It’s a nervous habit.

“Ask me later.” He replies, for once no hint of snark present. Hakyeon giggles - _honest to god giggles_ \- and Hongbin shakes his head fondly because only Cha Hakyeon. 

“Honbinnie, why are you so angry with yourself?”

He gives a start. 

“I know you aren’t angry at Wonshik. I know there’s nothing he can do to fix this because he didn’t do anything.” Hakyeon smoothes down Hongbin’s t-shirt where he’s been fiddling with it, waiting for Hongbin to answer. “Am I right?”

Hongbin is gobsmacked. “How…”

“I’m an expert in Taekwoon and, for the record, he’s a lot more subtle about it than you.” Hakyeon laughs again. Hongbin’s not offended. He has been pretty obvious – even Wonshik himself has noticed and he is definitely the least observant of the whole lot. 

“I’ve been such a dick to him.” Hongbin says quietly. “God, if I were him I’d have hit me by now.”

Hakyeon’s eyes turn soft and sympathetic. His hands resume their carding through Hongbin’s hair in a soothing manner and once again Hongbin feels grateful to his sometimes overbearing hyung.

“This is Wonshik we’re talking about, Hongbinnie. He made a diss track dissing diss tracks – he would never have hit you.” 

That, at least, is true. For all his swaggy clothing and attitude Wonshik has the softest, kindest heart Hongbin has ever seen (expect for possibly Taekwoon). He dotes on his sister, hates violence and is the least likely person to get into a fight. Actually, Hongbin almost wishes that Wonshik was angry with him, enough to hit him, at least then he’d feel like he was getting what he deserves but instead all he’s met with is confused, puppy dog eyes and silence. 

“Do you want me to sleep here tonight, Hongbinnie?” Hakyeon says. He means it, Hongbin knows he does, even though Hakyeon never sleeps well with other people in the same bed. 

He shakes his head. “It’s okay, hyung. You go get some rest.” 

Slowly Hakyeon disentangles himself from Hongbin. He does it in such a way that Hongbin is barely jostled and Honbin is reminded that before this life Hakyeon was a dancer. He walks towards the door in a way Hongbin knows is deliberate. His steps are even and measured as if to give Hongbin time to change his mind if he wants to. Hongbin smiles to himself. Typical Hakyeon. 

The thought comes to him a little late, just as Hakyeon reaches the door frame. “Hyung… If Taekwoon’s like me, who’s his Wonshik?”

Hakyeon simply turns his head over his shoulder and smiles. “Why do you think he sent me?”

Xxx

“You’ve decided to stop being a twat then.” Is the first thing Sanghyuk says to him when Hongbin sits himself down next to Wonshik the next morning. Hongbin can’t bring himself to be mad. He really deserved that one and the hopeful look on Wonshik’s face is enough for him to leave it at a small smile in Wonshik’s direction and a ‘yeah, yeah I have’.

“Good.” Jaehwan says, clapping his hands together. “Watching Wonshik pine from afar was getting really old- Ow! Leo-hyung, what was that for?” 

“Too far, Jaehwan.” Is all Taekwoon says as Jaehwan cradles the lump no doubt forming on his head. Hongbin shoots him a grateful look. He’s just ready enough to get over himself and his issues for Wonshik’s sake, but he can’t take the kind of ruthless scrutiny and honesty that Jaehwan is capable of. He just wants to enjoy a tension free breakfast this morning. That’s all.

Luckily Jaehwan’s focus has shifted to whining about how much his head hurts while Sanghyuk laughs at his pain, so more insight is given that morning. In fact, nobody mentions it at all, which he’s intensely grateful for. He knows he will have to apologise properly at some point but for now he is content to let the playful bickering of his bandmates wash over him in the happy knowledge that Wonshik doesn’t hate him.

xxx

The lopsided grin that forms on Wonshik’s face when he invites him out on a bro-date to watch the latest Marvel film is worth all the gagging noises Sanghyuk and Jaehwan make in the background. Hongbin has never been good at feelings or apologies ( _when have you ever been good at anything?_ The voice in the back of his head bites) but he thinks that means his awkward I’m-sorry-I’m-such-a-twat gesture has been accepted. 

It’s not enough to truly make up for what he’s done, not yet, but it’s a start. 

He doesn’t stop smiling the whole time.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Zico

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hongbin does some more wising up, this time with the help of one of his other hyungs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just pretend Ravi and Zico have never met kk? Also, Hongbin is really dumb in this. I apologise. This is so shamefully self indulgent.

Despite feeling like a marginally better human being after his forced heart to heart with Hakyeon, Hongbin still feels extraordinarily guilty for treating one of his favourite people in the world like crap. Even worse, because he's too chicken shit to actually say sorry in words like other people do, he's resorted to treating Wonshik any time he can and hoping Wonshik gets what he's trying to say. It's embarrassing. It's also putting a rather large dent in his wallet. 

But every time he sees Wonshik's lopsided smile as he asks if he's seen some film or wants to go out to eat he can't help but want to continue. It feels so good to be making Wonshik happy rather than making him sad. Soon he's run out of films he wants to see and restaurants he wants to try (even after going through Taekwoon's list of recommendations) and he's feeling more than a little desperate to find something they can do together. He mentions as much to Jiho-hyung when they're having lunch at university one day.

"So?" Jiho says. "Just invite him to do other stuff with you."

Hongbin sighs. "But like what? We've already been everywhere!"

Jiho shrugs as he steals another of the rolls Taekwoon had made for Honbin's lunch. "Ah, this shit is good. Why don't you just ask him to hang out with you then? You don't need an excuse, dude." 

"Hang out?" 

"Yeah, like just do things you'd normally do but with him. Simple." Jiho snatches another roll before Hongbin can stop him and puts it straight in his mouth with a grin. 

Hongbin blinks. He hadn't thought about that. Now that Jiho has mentioned it, they did use to do things together - just boring, every day things. Wonshik would listen to Park Hyoshin's newest album backstage with him as they waited for the others to be done with hair and make-up. Hongbin would come and do his homework in the studio while Wonshik worked on composing. He wonders when all of those things stopped. Whether that's just one more thing that's his fault.

"Hey!" Jiho clicks his fingers in front of Hongbin's face. "Stop looking like Park Hyoshin has announced his retirement or something."

"Sorry." Hongbin mutters. 

"It really isn't as complicated as you're making it, Hongbinnie." Jiho says softly. "The guy wouldn't go out with you if he hadn't forgiven you, so stop overthinking everything and just do what feels right."

The wording is strange, but Hongbin understands what Jiho is trying to say. Wonshik wouldn't agree to spend time with Hongbin if he didn't want to continue being Hongbin's friend, surely. He feels a swell of gratitude rise in his chest. How has he been so lucky to be surrounded with such kind, caring people when he himself does nothing but think selfishly? 

"Yah! Stop looking at me like that!" Jiho snaps, breaking Hongbin out of his thoughts. "Keep your big doe eyes to yourself, you hear?"

Hongbin can see the redness on the tips of Jiho's ears. Despite himself he laughs and Jiho stares at him for a while before joining him in laughter too. Hongbin feels lighter than he has in a long time. 

xxx

He invites Wonshik to lunch with him and Jiho. He figures the promise of food made by Taekwoon and meeting another rapper/composer will be enough to lure Wonshik in, and sure enough it works. The next week they are all sat round a table at university with Jiho staring longingly at his and Wonshik's lunch boxes. 

"Man," he says, "why did I get stuck in a band where no one can cook?" 

He looks plaintively down at the burnt mess in his lap before eyeing their food once again. Hongbin grins as he slowly places another of Taekwoon's delicacies in his mouth with an exaggerated moan. 

"Oh, it's so goooood." 

"Piss off." Jiho grumps, poking at his lunch with his spoon. 

"Not my fault you can't just tell Jihoon that his cooking sucks." Hongbin shrugs. 

Wonshik watches their exchange with amusement. He's grinning as he shovels food into his mouth which is kinda gross, but Hongbin is used to it. He hasn't realised he's staring at Wonshik until Jiho clears his throat. He jumps, startled. 

"So, Wonshik. Hongbin tells me you write music?" Jiho says. 

"I dabble." Wonshik grins. 

Hongbin snorts. "Liar. Stop trying to look modest."

From that point the conversation devolves into a heated debated over who the best rapper of their generation was (Jiho swears it's Zico but Wonshik remains unconvinced seeing as Jiho has just named himself). Hongbin contributes occasionally but mostly he's happy just to watch, pleased by how well his two friends are getting along. 

At the end of lunch time Wonshik says his goodbyes, waving with the smile where his eyes disappear and he looks like a dork as he walks off campus. Hongbin watches him go fondly. 

"He's a cool guy." Jiho comments. "I like him."

Hongbin rolls his eyes. "Of course you like him, he said you rap well." 

Jiho preens. "The guy has taste, what can I say." 

He nudges Hongbin with his shoulder then, eyes serious. "Really though, he's a good guy. Hold on to that one, Hongbinnie." 

Hongbin isn't entirely sure what Jiho means - once again his wording is odd - but he knows that Wonshik's friendship is important to him. Important enough to fight for. 

"I will." Hongbin replies. "I will."


End file.
